you know how you hear of people wishing to escape reality and stuff and i’m all like dude I’m trying to be in reality because i was dragged from it many times and it was the worst thing to happen why would you even want that
ITS CALLED SOLIPSISM
these depressing thoughts are based from solipsism. There is also solipsism syndrome. I mean, I am snapping out of it, but it was really freaking me out before. I thought I was delusional.
So I woke up late, because well, it’s the weekend. Which means I slept a lot. Which means I feel like shit, and I’m emotional, and I’m derealizaed, and my anxiety is up, and I have all of the time in the world to think and scare myself. I took 3/4 of a 0.5 mg Ativan instead of the usual half Ativan… I’m just so goddamn out of it and shitty feeling, I am going to sit in bed on this beautiful day and eat food and watch The Land Before Time I and bawl my eyes out some more, becaue I would always sob to this movie when I was little.
This sucks.
My anxiety has taken a whole new level. I can’t even tell if I “am”, and although I am not experiencing DP/DR, I do not feel comfortable. I’ve also been getting physical symptoms now. This thing is taking over my entire body now, instead of just messing with my head. I’m getting nausea, flushing, dizziness, and headaches. But when I have the feelings I just think my body is turning inside out or I’m about to die…
It seems that I am having a bit of an existential crisis. In the sense that I am afraid that I don’t know if everything is real, or if I am real.
I blame it on bouts of DP/DR. I am not feeling like that right now, though. It is just that the terror of it absolutely fucked with my viewpoint of life.
❝ I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift. Is this madness?
— Henri Frédéric Amiel in The Journal Intime
Yay, I felt sooo much better today. I had a panic attack this morning (during assembly of course) and then I felt better… I had some wicked bad moments of DP/DR which were actually not even scary at all. I actually kind of like it as a temporary thing. No negative emotions for the most part :D
Now I’m on the train going home, I get to see my new puppy! And my other big boy
So today was a bit better.
If you didn’t catch it, I basically had an anxiety fucking meltdown yesterday. It was awful. I had three panic attacks in the first 30 minutes of being awake today, and I freaked out to Dina about it. I started to feel better, talked to my psych for a bit, and she promised me that I would never get stuck like this, and if I go into a worse condition, I’ll get out of it and be okay. I would have bawled my eyes out in relief to that if I wasn’t near a lot of people. Derealization kind of let up, called my mom and freaked out to her… Let’s see… I still felt really shitty today, but I took some Ativan and I felt a lot better… I just want the DR/DP to go away. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow and I’m going home
I think I am going to have one of those anxiety mental breakdowns like I did sophomore year. Like when I went home for two weeks and cried and freaked out
Just had a fucking panic attack and I was anxiety ridden for the half hour beforehand.
What triggered it? Reading a Post Secret about a guy hearing voices.
Whiny anxiety person moment. (As if I don’t have enough of those)
Tbh reading the experiences of others who have the exact same disturbing thoughts, and knowing the thoughts are just from an anxiety disorder and not from anything worse makes me cry. (I was crying about something else earlier) it proves that i am not alone. I can’t seem to go through a day lately without thinking ‘is this real? Is everything that is happening actually happening?’ That sounds so simple, like everyone has felt that way, but that is not the case at all. It’s this terrifying and absolutely hopeless feeling, you don’t feel like a human being on planet earth, there is no reality, and it makes you want to get a gun and blow your fucking head off. I mean that. You have no clue how it feels until you have felt it… Not to shut down anyone, its just a weird sensation to comprehend. Im just putting this out there to put things into words, and hopefully other anxiety sufferers will pick up on this, and other fucked up posts I make about this horse shit.
God, can’t wait to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow.
