Alright, well since I don’t have my computer, my iPod and phone are not giving me the “Read More” option, so fucking deal with it.
I was just talking to Rebecca (marlandme) today, and you know what, I just need to lay a few things out there, regardless of you’re from here or real life.
At the same time I’m sorry and I’m not sorry. Do you think I enjoy being depressed? Like I just beat myself up about things just to get attention? Because it certainly hasn’t gotten me attention, and if that was my motive, I would have cut the shit a long time ago. I have the ability to be happy, I know what I need to be happy, it is just that I cannot find it in my current situation, for reasons that nobody and nothing but four months of time can solve, and for reasons that my relationships with others can be blamed, and for reasons that neither time nor people can solve, and how I feel is just a result of my ideas and thoughts. There are factors that can be changed, and a small part that cannot, but I am content with what I have. I don’t mean that in terms of privileges (but I shouldn’t have to convince you of that), I mean that with what is in my personality.
I’m not trying to preach “that I wuz born this way baby”, because I’m not fucking proud of it, I don’t expect anybody to like it.
Who in their right fucking mind would want a friend who can’t just be fucking happy for a few weeks straight, and crams themselves into a corner while they paint? I certainly would not like that. It sucks. It’s fucking annoying, particularly when you are trucking along having the time of your fucking life.
I guess I kind of don’t know what else go say, but,
This isn’t fun for me. I hate it, I wish I could be happy now, I try time and time again to not let whatever the fuck is wrong with me to get to me, but things click in my brain and I can’t control them and just “be content”. Even when I feel shitty, I am still trying to fight it, I always do. It seems that I am left to handle myself, which I guess is what happens, but it sucks to go alone. And maybe I made myself alone, maybe others left me, I DO NOT KNOW. But I feel abandoned. This isn’t a recent idea either, so don’t get that in your head. It’s been going on for months, I fucking hate it, I hate what and who caused it, I hate how it fucks up my relationships with others, it fucks up my work, and it just fucks up everything, but I am still trying to fix it.